Thoughts and Ponderings..

Thursday, 12 June 2008

  • You Did Alright, Kid.

    On one of our older game systems, Sega Dreamcast, we have this fishing game with a fishing-rod-shaped controller to go with it. I thought that it would be fun if I were to teach the little children my mother watches how to play it, and so I did. After lunch today, they all took turns catching fish, and when Kayleigh's turn came around, she caught a fish that got away due to her little hands' inability reel the fish in quickly enough. The line was still in the water, so I told her to continue her turn until she caught something or until she had reeled the line in all the way. I walked into the kitchen to begin making my lunch, and about 30 seconds later, this GIANT uproar came from the children in the living room. I can't even begin to tell you how loud it was. I walked back into the living room to find all of the kids exclaiming, "Kayleigh caught a fish! She reeled it in all by herself!" Kayleigh was jumping up and down screaming, "I got one! I got one!" I don't remember how much the fish weighed, but it hardly mattered. She had caught her first virtual fish. Everyone, including my mother, my sister, and I, was ecstatic for her.

     I realized so many things in that moment. One of the things I realized was that joy comes in the strangest of ways. To see a group of 2-7 year-olds jumping up and down with joy because one of their friends had accomplished what most people would consider such an insignificant task was absolutely breathtaking. It was such a surreal moment. I looked over at Kayleigh's face and she was just glowing with excitement. More than that, I really don't think I have ever so fully realized what a blessing God has made children, nor have I ever so closely understood the depth of God's love for them. Regardless of their ever-present ill-behavior, they are still so innocent, and knowing that gives me great joy.


    God opened my eyes today.

     

Thursday, 15 May 2008

  • Those Lights Were Ours

    I have run short of words but not of thoughts.


    Therefore, rather than being overly organized in my writing, I will just say everything I had in mind to say.


    To someone: I would do anything for you to come to know Christ. You don't know who you are, but I know who you are, and I love and pray for you.

    I wrote a love song to God. It is about being in the garden of Eden before the Fall. I keep thinking about how pure Adam's love for God must have been. Surely he must have been awed and overjoyed at being in the intimate presence of his Creator. The thought of this stirs up a fire in my chest and a song in my lungs. It causes me to praise God for how amazing He is and for how small and unworthy I am. It never ceases to amaze me. I want to be how I imagine Adam was- completely in awe of and in love with who God is. I want my love for God to be pure and undistracted. 

    This causes me to want to be better than I am. I want to know not only that God loves me, which I do know, but that He is pleased with me; for I am not very pleased with myself.

    I wish that I could do more. I wish that I were in China right now helping earthquake victims. I wish that I were in another country reaching out to the victims of cults. I wish that God had not bound me so. He has bound both my legs but has continued to allow my heart to beat freely. I wish that He had not, but I know why it is that He has. I am still so small; therefore I cannot yet do the things that I wish to do. I am still so small.. still so small. 


    I am humbled, but equally intimidated.


    I feel like a little girl pressing close to her father's side and looking up to him for direction. I am happy to be in this position-- pressed close by Your side, God; and looking up to You for guidance and direction.

     

    The source of my entry's title:


    No one ever told me that forever means tomorrow
    And that lonesome hearts for sale are simply hearts for lend or borrow
    I stand here as another takes my place with you beneath the stars
    I wish you would have told me
    I thought those lights were ours



    I'll go to bed now.

     

Sunday, 27 April 2008

  • Not Dead

    Today I listened to a sermon in the car on Shine.FM. Jon Nance was leading worship.

    The sermon was about the Holy Spirit. The pastor was giving an example of a man whose wife had prayed for decades that he would come to know Christ. One Sunday, after years of excuses, he voluntarily decided to go to church with her. He went with her again on the next Sunday, and also on the Sundays to follow. Six months (or six weeks- I can't remember which it was) later, he surrendered His life to Christ.

    Decades. She had prayed for him for decades. What faith.

    I think about the people for whom I pray. I cry out for them daily. I ask God to forgive their rejection of Him. I want them to know Christ so badly.

     

    I wonder if I can wait for decades. I feel as though I cannot. The thought of it is absolutely heart-wrenching to me.

     

    I don't want to have to wait for decades.

     

    God loves these people far greater than I can even think to love them. That they continuously reject Him is far more painful for Him than it is for me.

     

    Yet, He continuously pursues them.

     

    He continues to have patience with them. He continues to want people to intercede for them.

     

    And so I will.


    Even if it takes decades.



    This is why I firmly believe that love is a nightmare. A beautiful nightmare.

     

    This is the first non-emo/non-depressing entry I've written in a while. Let's see if I can keep it that way.


    I'm feeling songful.

     

Thursday, 31 January 2008

  • The Runner's Epiphany


    Am I selfishly persistent?

     

    The drawn line between hopeful persistence and selfish persistence is quite thin.

    Rephrased, I wonder if I am so devoted to my plans that I refuse to give up on them.

    I am a very persistent person. I often hope for things long past their expiration date.

     

    Disappointment has always been a friend of mine.

     


    All I want is You. All I want for them is You.

     

    I end. Frustrated.

     

Monday, 03 December 2007

  • He Has Paid Your Ransom

    Bearing Your burden.

    Pain.

    Our voices raised-- with outstretched arms,

    We are wounded;


    And crawling after You.


    We have scrapped our knees upon the rocks-

    Our hands are pierced as with swords.

    Our flesh tears; still we find the strength to stand.

     

    Our last.

     

    Rising up to You, God.

     

    Our voices grow hoarse. We are straining so that our veins show through.

    Blood vessels burst. We are singing.

    This is the end.

     

    People praising God

    In agony.

    In awe.

     

    In love.

     

    For Your Name's sake.

     

    What a beautiful noise

    To go out singing

    Praises to our God.




    And then there is that old man.

    --

    He lies upon his mat.

    Wasted away; no more can be done to help him.

    Death is near-

    So close that he can taste it.

     

    He licks his lips as his saliva runs dry.

    From those same broken lips he sings praises to his God.

     

    He breathes Your Name as he breathes his last.

     

    To die in worship- with hands outstretched.

    He cries, "Glorious!"

    The people around him watch.

    His voice grows louder as tears roll down his face--

    "Glorious!"

    The tears of one who has seen beauty.

    "Glorious!"

    Someone is echoing.


    "Glorious!"

    The people around him join in singing. They lift up their hands. They fall to their knees. Suddenly they know You. Suddenly they have seen You.


    "Glorious!"


    The old man begins to pass;


    In the midst of worship.


    He lets out a gasp as his lungs and brain search desperately for oxygen.

     

    A sound proceeds his final breath. His last exhale is similar to the sound of his cries of, "Glorious."

    And the people praised God.

     

     

    This is the song that my heart sings, but you cannot hear its sound.

    May the people of this world realize that God has paid their ransom--

    That they should seek Your face, O God; that they would know Your Name.

     

Sunday, 02 December 2007

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

  • Metaphor: The Grandness of God

    Men fell to their knees; all around me the sound of their shields dropping.

    One by one they fell. Breathless words escaped from their lips as his sword fell upon them.
    My ears could not comprehend the words' meaning; I could only hear the sound. 
    Each man exclaimed loudly as he came upon them; each man was horrified as he towered above them. Some expressed great sorrow at his appearance and became despondent. Plagued with agony, they chose to end their lives, and hopelessly fell upon their swords.


    Others merely whispered as they looked up at him in awe. They fell to their knees, their hands clenching the dirt, and as they smiled, he slay them. They died beautifully.

    One by one they fell; increasely they began to take their own lives-- his appearance being too much for them to bear.

    And then suddenly he came upon me. 

    I could hardly move. My lungs could hardly breathe.
    The sound of dropping shields became distant;
    the sound of my heart beating resounded in my ears.
    Looking upon him, my stomach fell. 


    Suddenly I knew what the men were saying. Suddenly I could comprehend their words.


    A smile came across my face as I gazed at him; my body fell to the dirt in awe.

    "You're beautiful," I managed to speak.
    My words were but a faint whisper. 
    My eyes remained upon him as he readied his sword, my smile ever-abiding as I uttered the words that I did not at first understand,

    "My Love. My God. I surrender."

    And then he slay me.
    ----- 



    Such a beautiful surrender...


    My heart hurts.


    I wonder what would happen if we stopped living as if people can't go to hell.

     

Monday, 05 November 2007

Friday, 02 November 2007

  • "Ohhhhhhhhhh.... Hey."

    Tell me the name of the song from which my title comes and I'll give you a dollar. This offer is not valid for members of my own household.


    My parents are in Hawaii. My grandmother is here. Yeah.

     

    Lift up your hands and scream,
    For love is your burden.

    And love is a nightmare.

    Suffer through;
    With gain, comes cost,
    And sleep is a snare.



    I'm ordering pizza tonight. I find that I am very excited to meet the delivery person, for meeting them will mean that I have the random opportunity to love them.

     

    And I look forward to doing that.


     

    Love.


    Hey.


     

Monday, 22 October 2007

  • The Truth of the Matter

    I'm struggling, I'm confused, and I'm unhappy. I am suffering and I am hurting. I just want someone to talk with. I want someone to pray with. I wish Friday hadn't happened-- more than likely I would not be feeling this way.

    I said that I wasn't giving up, but I am still discouraged. I don't know the difference between what is God-inspired and what is Candace-desired. I don't even know what Candace desires, and I'm afraid to know of what God desires. I want to escape reality so that I don't have to deal with the pain and confusion of not knowing what I am doing with my life. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what God is doing. All I know is that I have never felt so crushed and empty. I want my motivation back. I want my passion back. I want my happiness back.


    Maybe Friday was a mere test. Maybe God was saying, "Will you choose to persevere when all things seem to be going against you?"

    Surely I'll persevere, but only if I know that I'm supposed to. Sadly, I don't know if I'm supposed to. But I want to know.

    I feel as if my passion was just ripped out from underneath me. I have never felt so dull, emotionless, and empty. The only emotion I can feel is sadness, with the exception of the love that I have for those that God has given me to pray for. Sometimes I can't even feel that love, but I am reminded of it each time I think of Angel (Ahn-hell.) God placed him in my life to remind me that I am still capable of feeling. I am still capable of loving. I am still capable of passion. That is my only encouragement right now. Maybe it's the only thing keeping me from a burnout.

    I just want to know what Truth is.


    Jeremiah 29:11    - 11"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     

    Isaiah 55:8-13- 8"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
           neither are your ways my ways,"
           declares the LORD.

     9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
           so are my ways higher than your ways
           and my thoughts than your thoughts.

     10 As the rain and the snow
           come down from heaven,
           and do not return to it
           without watering the earth
           and making it bud and flourish,
           so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

     11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
           It will not return to me empty,
           but will accomplish what I desire
           and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

     12 You will go out in joy
           and be led forth in peace;
           the mountains and hills
           will burst into song before you,
           and all the trees of the field
           will clap their hands.

     13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
           and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
           This will be for the LORD's renown,
           for an everlasting sign,
           which will not be destroyed."


    Jeremiah 1:4-12:      4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

     5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
           before you were born I set you apart;
           I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

     6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

     7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

     9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

     11 The word of the LORD came to me: "What do you see, Jeremiah?"
          "I see the branch of an almond tree," I replied.

     12 The LORD said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled."

    ---

    The latter passage is supposed to be my "life passage," but it doesn't feel like it. I am currently filled with much doubt, and this passage seems way too big for a girl like me. Yet, as God has made this passage clear to me many times before, therefore I will believe it. The last two verses are what mean the most to me. God asked Jeremiah what he saw, and Jeremiah said that he saw the branch (emphasis added) of an almond tree. He couldn't see the whole tree. God said, "You have seen correctly, for I [emphasis added] am watching to see that my word is fulfilled."


    God     is watching to see that His word is fulfilled, not me. I am to wait and hold on to His promises. God has made many other promises to me; all I have to do is remember them.


    May the name of the LORD be praised.


    Maybe, if you have any insight concerning what God is doing in my life, so long as the LORD permits, maybe you could tell me. I do not deny that my current situation has blinded me to some extent, and all I want is to be open to what God is doing.


    Maybe, if need be, you could rebuke me. Or maybe you could lift me up. Or maybe you could just pray for me. Yeah. Maybe you could pray for me.


    Search me, O God, and know my heart;
          test me and know my anxious thoughts.
    See if there be any offensive way in me,
         and lead me in the way everlasting.

    (Amen.)

    --Psalm 139: 23-24


    My current emotion is contentment, accompanied by peace. And Hope.