Monday, 22 October 2007

• The Truth of the Matter

  I'm struggling, I'm confused, and I'm unhappy. I am suffering and I am hurting. I just want someone to talk with. I want someone to pray with. I wish Friday hadn't happened-- more than likely I would not be feeling this way.

  I said that I wasn't giving up, but I am still discouraged. I don't know the difference between what is God-inspired and what is Candace-desired. I don't even know what Candace desires, and I'm afraid to know of what God desires. I want to escape reality so that I don't have to deal with the pain and confusion of not knowing what I am doing with my life. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what God is doing. All I know is that I have never felt so crushed and empty. I want my motivation back. I want my passion back. I want my happiness back.

  
  Maybe Friday was a mere test. Maybe God was saying, "Will you choose to persevere when all things seem to be going against you?"

  Surely I'll persevere, but only if I know that I'm supposed to. Sadly, I don't know if I'm supposed to. But I want to know.

  I feel as if my passion was just ripped out from underneath me. I have never felt so dull, emotionless, and empty. The only emotion I can feel is sadness, with the exception of the love that I have for those that God has given me to pray for. Sometimes I can't even feel that love, but I am reminded of it each time I think of Angel (Ahn-hell.) God placed him in my life to remind me that I am still capable of feeling. I am still capable of loving. I am still capable of passion. That is my only encouragement right now. Maybe it's the only thing keeping me from a burnout.

  I just want to know what Truth is.

  
  Jeremiah 29:11- 11"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

   

  Isaiah 55:8-13- 8"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
         neither are your ways my ways,"
         declares the LORD.

   9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
         so are my ways higher than your ways
         and my thoughts than your thoughts.

   10 As the rain and the snow
         come down from heaven,
         and do not return to it
         without watering the earth
         and making it bud and flourish,
         so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

   11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
         It will not return to me empty,
         but will accomplish what I desire
         and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

   12 You will go out in joy
         and be led forth in peace;
         the mountains and hills
         will burst into song before you,
         and all the trees of the field
         will clap their hands.

   13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
         and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
         This will be for the LORD's renown,
         for an everlasting sign,
         which will not be destroyed."

  
  Jeremiah 1:4-12:  4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

   5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
         before you were born I set you apart;
         I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

   6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

   7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

   9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

   11 The word of the LORD came to me: "What do you see, Jeremiah?"
        "I see the branch of an almond tree," I replied.

   12 The LORD said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled."

  ---
  
  The latter passage is supposed to be my "life passage," but it doesn't feel like it. I am currently filled with much doubt, and this passage seems way too big for a girl like me. Yet, as God has made this passage clear to me many times before, therefore I will believe it. The last two verses are what mean the most to me. God asked Jeremiah what he saw, and Jeremiah said that he saw the branch (emphasis added) of an almond tree. He couldn't see the whole tree. God said, "You have seen correctly, for I [emphasis added] am watching to see that my word is fulfilled."

  
  God is watching to see that His word is fulfilled, not me. I am to wait and hold on to His promises. God has made many other promises to me; all I have to do is remember them.

  
  May the name of the LORD be praised.

  
  Maybe, if you have any insight concerning what God is doing in my life, so long as the LORD permits, maybe you could tell me. I do not deny that my current situation has blinded me to some extent, and all I want is to be open to what God is doing.

  
  Maybe, if need be, you could rebuke me. Or maybe you could lift me up. Or maybe you could just pray for me. Yeah. Maybe you could pray for me.

  
  Search me, O God, and know my heart;
        test me and know my anxious thoughts.
  See if there be any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

  (Amen.)
  

  --Psalm 139: 23-24
  

  
  My current emotion is contentment, accompanied by peace. And Hope.

   

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